Listing Details
| ID: | 869 |
| Title: | Literal Dan |
| URL: | http://literaldan.blogspot.com/ |
| Category: | Home & Garden: Parenting |
| Description: | Musings of a stay-at-home dad and would-be freelance writer. |
| A conversation with M-: A teachable moment... - 2012-05-14 23:43:00 |
| Despite two years served under the patient ears of The Tattling Turtle at school, my 5-year-old daughter M- still tattles like nobody's business*, and her 8-year-old brother D- has long ago earned his Veteran Kid status, which entitles him to get away with all kinds of secrets and sneakiness under our noses, as this frustratingly inconclusiveconversationdemonstrates: M-(the "eager" version of The Tattling Voice):Last night, I was trying to sleep, and D- was keeping me up by saying a bad word. One that means "horse poop"? Me(mild curiosity officially piqued):...Oh? Which word was that? M-(wishing she could help, realizing she's out of ammo):Ummmm... I don't remember. You should ask him. Me(recklessly pressing the point while the iron is hot):You won't get in trouble for saying what it was. Was it something like "cr... cr... cr..." M-(blank stare):Uhhhh... Me(scrambling, hoping she doesn't start asking followups, to add to her extensive vocabulary, but now confident I've nailed it down at Level 2):Was it something with "sh... sh... shhh..." M-(another blank stare, then resignation, which is apparently what you get when you seem to take tattles seriously):Umm, well, I don't really remember what the word is, but I know it's bad, and I know it means "horse poop". So, it seems that D- is either cataloging new slang words that don't spring to my mind, or he may have invented a hilarious new game of 1) declaring secret, scandalous meanings to made-up words; or 2) assigning new meanings to existing, innocuous words; with the primary or secondary intention of getting his sister to cash in all her tattling chips on unenforceable violations. Both of the latter options are genius, and make me pretty perversely proud. * If anything, this stuffed turtle just allows her to practice new techniques. She talked about him all the time in the beginning, but the very first time I made reference to him myself, she made a point of assuring me, with an expression and tone that suggested I might be an idiot, that he is "not real". Thus, he is powerless to act on any of her solid intel.  |
| Amusing searches, Vol. 16 - 2012-04-30 23:59:00 |
| Google's admirable privacy efforts are slowly draining me of this source of amusement and education, but while I still have some material left, here are some of themost amusing searchesthat have brought people here since the last edition. (All search strings are reprinted exactly as they were entered, and the search text links to the post at which the visitor arrived.) •nitpicking in conversation(New York, NY) - According to at least half of the people I've ever spoken to for more than a few minutes, you've come to the right place. •"punch a bird in the face"(Fairfax, VA) - I'm picturing that would probably hurt your fist more than the bird's face, what with the beak and all. •self conscious and nervous(London, U.K.) - Why yes, yes I am. Thanks for checking. •my three year old son hides penis(Seoul, Korea) - Really, it's "where" and "how" he's hiding it that should be the focus of your concerns. •"piss around the house"(Edinburgh, Scotland) - I have the same habits, but I try to concentrate my fire around a couple central areas, ones with convenient bowls that offer some kind of satisfying splashing sound.  |
| Classic quotes, Vol. 36 - 2012-04-29 23:59:00 |
| Here's a selection of some recent notablequotes, this time from my wife J-, our 5-year-old daughter M-, and our 1 year-old son E-: M-(looking at a picture of a llama, with a tone suggesting it had personally done something to offend her):Seriously?? There's no hump on this camel! J-(spacing out while talking to E-, who was getting into things in the kitchen as she read a dessert recipe):No, put that down, Lemon! M-(overselling it a bit, referring to E- having grabbed at her Swedish pancake and knocked it to the floor, after the waitress had assured her it would be replaced):Well! THAT will be quite the story to tell my kids, when I have kids! J-(explaining her love for birds of prey):See, the thing is, I find all other birdsrepulsive.* But owls, and falcons... I love them, for some reason. * Sorry, bird lovers: On review, she reiterated her unusual position that "repulsive" isnottoo strong a word, and yes, she meant "all". Even blue jays, and cardinals, and doves... and lovebirds, and sparrows, and hummingbirds... and all your favorites. ESPECIALLY your favorites.....  |